Sunday, December 17, 2006

Part 8:

I sat there thinking. I noted the oddity of having known two folks named Willie, in this day and age where most would opt for William, or Will. Maybe even Bill. I chalked it up to living in the rural south, where what you’re called doesn’t seem to have as much bearing on your choice of career.

Hell, I’m thinking that with a name like Willie Walker, my young friend could go on to edit any of the finer sports departments in any paper in the bible belt. Failing that, he could own a great deal of finer used car dealerships in Southeast Tennessee.

You know, if he could get over whatever social issues seemed to plague him.

Willie Walker had turned from my narrative and was engrossed in the Tennessee/Alabama football game being played on the television.

“Hey Willie?”

“Yeah?” he said, turning his body toward me. He’d answered, but his attention hadn’t really wavered from the football game on the television.

“Willie,” I said one more time. Tennessee had just intercepted a pass. I let the play come to its end, and I asked one more time, a little more loudly than I’d expected: “Willie?”

He turned to me.

“Where’d the camera come from?”

“Japan, I’d say.”

“Where’d the camera come from this morning? How’d you get the pictures?”

Willie pointed to a camera that was charging on the desk next to his.

“Some campers found it. They were walking up to the falls. And found it off the trail.”

He got up, pulled the camera from its charger. “It still works.”

I got up, and looked at the camera Willie was holding. “May I?” I asked, holding my hands out.

Willie handed the camera to me. “Been left out in the weather all night. Still works. That’s quality, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, before finally thinking to ask: “How did one of your newspaper’s cameras get up into the woods?”

“Heather Baumgartner left it.” The name gave me a start. Heather was only the daughter of the Governor. I know it sounds hokey to drop the name at this point, but then, I’m not a great storyteller. Heather had done her schooling, had interned at the big papers, had done work up in Washington and Nashville. But when she went looking for jobs, she chose the Trainersville Herald-Frontier, hired by Cecil Reece, who was most likely unaware of Heather Gubernatorial connections.

I should maybe note here that it’s always struck me that one does not choose to work for a newspaper like the Trainersville Herald Frontier. A job at that paper is one you fall into after a seventeen year drunk, or a coke habit that knocks you out of a position at a larger paper. Even utter incompetence will warrant you a job at a large circulation paper, over in Cleveland or up in Lenoir City. But then, that was Heather, who cited simply “an ennui with the pace of other newspapers.”

I liked her instantly when I met her through Mike. She was the third person I’d ever known to use the word “ennui” in conversation, but the first who hadn’t felt the need to explain what the word meant. I never knew if it was because she thought I understood, or she just didn’t give a shit. Either way, it made me think a bunch of her.

“Left it...in the woods?”

“Yeah.”

“But she’s back?”

“Yeah.”

I raised my eyebrows. I probably had 9 million thoughts running through my head all in that moment. I pulled the last few pictures from the stack. Saw the shape, saw the red eyes. Saw the frantic, spasmodic picture taking. The natural progression, in my mind, was for the next bit of information to be give that Heather Baumgartner, the daughter of the Governor of the Great State of Tennessee hadn’t been seen since.

“Willie, isn’t that a little weird?”

“Yeah.”

These long pauses between everything Willie said were really starting to wear on me. That, and three quarters of his attention seemed to be focused on that television with the football game playing. I rounded the desk, and hit power on the teevee. This seemed to get the first rise out of Willie I’d seen in years.

“I’m watching that.”

“I’ll turn it back on. Have you talked to Heather?”

“Yeah. I was here when Cecil called her.”

There was another long pause. Even after having known the boy for years, I somehow expected there would be more to what Willie was going to tell me.

“And?”

“Cecil says she’s fine, and that she’ll be back to work Monday.”

I shook my head.

“Willie, why did you bring me in here, with all this cloak and dagger stuff, with these weird-ass pictures, telling me all this story about how Heather Baumgartner wandered into the woods, taking the scariest fucking pictures I’ve seen in my life, leading me to believe she’s been dragged into the woods by God-only-knows-what, only to tell me that she’s safe at home?”

“I don’t think Heather is at home. Her car’s not out in front.”

“How do you know?”

“I went by to check. After she wasn’t answering her phone. I called after Cecil left to see if she’d tell me what was in the pictures.”

“No answer?”

“No. And her car’s not out in front.”

It was my turn to pause. Finally: “Maybe she was out shopping. Or watching football,” I said, as I popped the teevee back on. “Neyland Stadium only holds 108,000 of your closest friends.”

Willie stared at the teevee, but I got the feeling he wasn’t seeing what was there. He chewed on his lip as he thought.

“Everybody thinks I’m stupid,” Willie said. Willie’s monotone kept me from realizing that this was less a statement of fact than a lament, although Willie always saw things in the third person...it may well have been a statement of some fact. “But I can put two and two together.”

He pointed at my phone, clipped to my belt.

“Call somebody on your phone.”

I pulled the phone from my belt, not used to being commanded by Willie. Make no mistake, I was being commanded.

“Call somebody,” he said.

“Who?”

“You can call anybody,” he said.

I flipped my phone open, and dialed without thinking much about it the number the local bank had sponsored with the current time and temperature.

As I listened to an ad telling me that Second National’s CD rates were the best on this end of the state, I saw Willie nod to himself. Without knowing it, I’d confirmed his suspicions.

“What?” I asked, while a computer voice told me the time was 3:57, and the temperature was 69 degrees.

“You and Cecil have the same phone, and yours lights up when you call somebody.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Cecil flipped open his phone, and acted like he was talking to her. I don’t think he ever really talked to Heather.”

“Why would Cecil pretend that he talked to her?”

“Maybe he didn’t want to worry anybody.”

“But he told you not to tell anybody, didn’t he?”

Willie nodded. I worked to keep Cecil Reece from becoming the villain in my mind, and did so without much success.

“Are you still worried?”

Willie only nodded.

“You think she’s still up in the woods?”

After a long pause, during which he was watching Tennessee take control of the football again, after a 4 and out by Alabama, and just after I’d figured he’d forgotten the question, he finally answered.

“She’s up there,” he said. “But I think she’ll be back soon.”
Part 7:

I didn’t know exactly where to say all this part, but I figure now is as good a time as any.

As I at there in the newspaper, with its disquieting pictures and its deeply frightened intern newspaperman, I thought back to a night the previous December.

I was in town, after nearly three weeks on the road installing wireless routers for a chain of grocery stores centered around Clusterfuck, Alabama. I’d visited the house, and Cletus, who had been singularly starved for affection (my next door neighbor being the only human contact he had). I’d checked the refrigerator and the cabinets, and found them disgustingly bare. I made a trip to the grocery.

On the way, I got distracted by the promise of liquid nourishment.

I stopped at The Mule to have a beer or four. It was there that I saw Willie Hammond for the second time in four years. Willie and I had worked together for a time. Willie driving the truck for the office supply store we both worked at.

I wandered up to the bar, and sat next to the little guy. We caught up on all the aspects of our lives, Willie doing most of the talking. Willie was five or six beers ahead of me, and he’d had his jaws lubricated quite a bit more. After my third beer, I thought about the last time I’d seen him, a couple of years back

At first, he didn’t remember. As I told him the circumstances, I saw the buzzy good-time gleam that eight or ten beers will give you leave his face. By the time I’d finished the story of our short encounter at the Gas n’ Grub a couple falls before, he was staring at me soberly. All the good humor had fallen from the expression, and left only hanging skin.

“If I tell you this,” he said, “you can’t let it go beyond here.” He pointed at the bar for emphasis.

I laughed, and said, “okay.”

“I’m serious as a heart attack, Michael.”

Like I said, I’d known Willie for years. Known him to be capable of a certain theatrical melodrama. A melodrama that I didn’t see here.

I nodded in consent.

He launched into his narrative:

The little man had reached his limit.

Carrying his rifle by the stock, the squirrely, one-armed man tore his way through the Priest Woods, cussing the trees, their branches, their leaves, the shrubs, the ditches and the ankle-deep holes as he went. He’d tired of cussing the coon hounds that he could no longer hear. Likewise, cussing his son who was struggling to keep up his father’s frenzied pace just did no damned good. But every now and then, he’d renew his attack on either, and sometimes both at the same time. Also, he’d reserved choice words for the darkness, the moon, the lantern (which had broken), the flashlight and batteries (which had died), the clouds, his boss, his wife, the gravel on the roads, the unseasonably cool temperature, the fact that the had just the one good arm and anything else that crossed his mind as thwarting him this miserable night.

His name was Willie Hammond, and it was his first night off in three weeks from delivering milk to the grocery and convenience stores that dotted Dickerman County. As soon as he’s gained the respite from work, he’d loaded the dogs into the pickup, roused the boy and driven the 60 miles from Ooltewah to get some good coon hunting in.

And just about everything after that had gone tits up.

Caught up in both his ranting and the rhythmic whoosh his boots made as they tore through the fallen leaves, Willie completely missed the start of a gully in the dark. He half-slid, half-fell down into the eight-foot ditch. Landing mostly on his feet, he started a new refrain of vitriol.

No, the night was definitely not going as planned.

“Daddy, are you alright?” asked Willie’s son Ronnie, peering down into the gully.

“Goddammit, Where the fuck are those Goddamned dogs?” Willie roared into the night.

No answer came.

“Daddy, are you okay?”

Under his breath, Willie swore.

“Daddy....”

“Goddammit, yes, Ronnie, I’m fine,” he sent up venomously. Adding after a moment: “Can you even hear them running any more?”

Ronnie was silhouetted in the moonlight. Willie saw his son cock his head, even put a hand to his ear.
After a couple of seconds, “No, Daddy.”

“All that fucking garbage you listen to makes your ears for shit.”

An audible sigh came from the lip of the gully.

Willie turned a circle, looking around.

“How do I get out of here?”

No answer from the top.

The moon, mostly full, dodged behind a cloud. The night doubled upon itself. Willie groped his way along the sides of the gully, first along the side he’d fallen, then the other. He tried using exposed roots for purchase, all the while propping the gun against his body with what was left of his right arm, which was missing below the elbow. After a minute of trying, he realized he couldn’t climb and hold the gun.

“I can’t get a foothold.” Admitting defeat was not in his nature.

Ronnie said nothing.

“Ronnie, help me, Goddammit!” he screamed, voice tinged with violence.

The teenager leapt into the gully, landing with a whoof. With embarrassing speed, he loped up the other side of the ditch with a ridiculous ease that, in Willie’s eyes, was meant only to spite him.

“Real fuckin’ nice, Ronnie.”

“Give me your rifle, Daddy.” Ronnie reached his right arm down into the gully.

Willie handed his gun up, butt first.

Ronnie set it carefully against a tree, and reached again into the gully, this time with his left hand.. “Now your hand, Daddy.”

Willie grabbed his son’s hand, while Ronnie braced himself, grabbing a poplar tree with his right. Climbing out, Willie slipped. Ronnie held tight to his hand, though. Before Willie could regain his footing, Ronnie dragged all 140 pounds of his father up the embankment on his belly.

Grumbling and cussing, Willie clamored to his feet. He gave his boy a poisonous look and thought a wicked though about scissors and the braids hanging from underneath his son’s stocking cap. In the moonlight, Willie could make out the threaded word “SlipKnot” on the edge of the toboggan.

He looked away while he dug into the chest pocket on his coveralls for his cigarettes and lighter.

“Ronnie, how long has it been since we even heard the dogs?”

“Dunno. A few minutes.”

Willie found a cigarette. He shoved the pack into the pocket, then lit his cigarette. He gave a silent curse for the sin tax and the generic brand he was forced to buy because of it.

There was an awkward silence for a minute or more, while Willie smoked and seethed.

“What ya wanna do, Daddy?”

The last thing Willie wanted to admit to the boy was that he didn’t have the first clue of how to proceed. Normally, a coonhound wouldn’t shut up. He couldn’t think of a night when he’d been out and the dogs had run off and stayed completely quiet.

If he’d lived in Tellico, as he once had, he’d have chanced leaving and then calling around to one of the half dozen farms that surrounded these woods to see if the hounds had turned up. But he lived an hour’s drive away now, and rarely made it up this far for anything more than an ice cream delivery. Plus, he had to admit that he didn’t know anyone in the area, anymore. If anybody found the dogs, they’d just as likely claim them for their own as go looking for the owner. The Paper Mill owned a lot of the land, nowadays, anyway. He knew the type of man to log for the mill. They’d see the dogs and put them in the cages they had in the backs of their trucks for their own coonhounds, and say they were going hunting after work. If he left, he wouldn’t get the dogs back.

Willie took a couple of drags off the shitty cigarette.

Ronnie jumped when Willie, without warning, whistled sharply and started yelling: “Shep! Pete! Where are ya?”

For such a small man with such a voracious smoking habit, Ronnie’s father had a surprising, tremendous lung capacity.

A small bark came in reply. Then another. Then a third and a fourth, in quick succession. From the east. It was the first such sound they’d heard from the dogs in several minutes. They weren’t at all the sound of dogs that had even the faintest scent of a coon. Ronnie and Willie gave each other a glance.

“How far off you think, Ronnie?” Willie asked, taking a last suck on his smoke before he stubbed it out on the sole of his right boot.

“Not far, I don’t think, Daddy. Short of a quarter mile.”

“And why are they that way?” Willie demanded, pointing East, to their left, the direction the barks came from. “Shouldn’t they be in front of us?”

“I donknow.” Ronnie answered, not totally following his father’s logic.

“Well. Let’s go get’em,” Willie said with a sigh.

As they trudged through the woods along the edge of the gully, the moon emerged from behind the clouds. A night short of a full moon, it still lit up the night, making it easy for Willie and his son to find their way through the forest. Willie would give off a yell, calling the dogs by the names he’d disallowed the boy and his sister from using. A dog with a name is a pet. A coonhound is not a pet. Sylvia, their mother and his wife, had insisted upon the names, though.

Willie thought bitterly that it was more his wife’s attachment to the dogs than their monetary value that had he and Ronnie traipsing through the forest in the middle of the night searching. At the very least, he didn’t want to hear her complain and bitch and moan if he came home without the dogs.

“Doesn’t sound like the dogs are movin’, Daddy.”

“You don’t know what you mean,” Ronnie,” Willie bristled.

“Yeah, I.....”

“Ronnie, I’m tryin’ to hear for’em.”

Ronnie was right, though. Usually, if he yelled, and they didn’t have the scent of a coon, they’d start moving toward him. But the dogs didn’t seem to be moving at all. The only comfort was that the dogs didn’t seem to be getting any further away.

After a couple of minutes of marching in silence, Willie said it sounded like the dogs were just over a rise from them.

“It smells like a skunk, Daddy.”

“Shit,” Willie swore. “They’d better not’ve run up on a skunk. If they did, you’ll be cleaning them off tomorrow.”

“That ain’t fair, Daddy,” said Ronnie, not relishing the prospect of giving two unwilling coonhounds a bath in tomato juice.

“Life ain’t, Ronnie.”

Ronnie’s long legs gave him six-inches on his father. But, Willie was pissed off and through sheer force of will topped the rise first. He yelled again for Pete and Shep. The dogs gave a yelp in reply.

Willie high-stepped over a couple of fallen logs and made his way downward into a hollow.

Ronnie entered the clearing just behind his father, and stopped behind his left shoulder.

A small hollow parted the woods, and Willie and Ronnie found themselves on an outside edge. Shafts of bluish moonlight parted their way through the trees. The forest floor was clear, except for ferns, for thirty feet in front of them and maybe a winding hundred to their left and right.
“Where are they, Daddy?”

“I dunno,” he admitted. He yelled for the hounds: “Shep! Pete!”

The dogs yipped from across the clearing, about five yards on their right.

“There they are,” Ronnie pointed. The white and chocolate colored hounds had wedged themselves between a couple of ancient oaks, beneath the heavy cover of May Apples and ferns.

One of them gave a yip. Willie frowned, and was uncommonly worried for their welfare. Not once since he and Ronnie had located them had the dogs given their typical “Doh” call. These were yips and yelps. He wondered for a second what had spooked the dogs into a corner.

“C’mere, dogs,” Willie commanded.

Another yip, but neither Shep nor Pete moved a muscle.

“Goddammit!” Willie cussed as he stomped across the clearing. “You’d better not be fucking hurt,” he threatened as he reached the dogs.

“What’s wrong with you two?” he asked as he reached the dogs in their hidey holes.

“Come the hell out of there,” Willie growled, his ire about to reach its boiling point.

The dogs wouldn’t move. They wagged their tails in response, and gave their canine grins, as if to say it was nice of Willie to offer, but they preferred not to.

“Ronnie, grab Shep,” Willie said as he bent, grabbing Pete by the collar. If they had to drag the dogs out. It was then that he noticed Ronnie wasn’t at his side. Willie turned and saw his son still standing at the edge of the hollow, where they’d entered.

“Ronnie?”

His son wore a look of real consternation. In the blue light of the moon, Willie saw an odd apprehension on his son’s face, and saw a lot of white in his boy’s eyes..

“Something ain’t right, Daddy.”

“Goddammit, Ronnie. C’mere!”

Anxiety gave way to annoyance as Ronnie regarded his father.

“Listen...” he said.

“No, Ronnie, you listen. You come here and grab Shep.”

Before he crossed the clearing, he looked left, then right, as if he were looking for oncoming traffic.

“Still smells like skunk,” Ronnie said as he stepped across the hollow.

Willie took a sniff of the air. Something stank, that was for sure. He’d been too angry to notice. It was pretty awful. It didn’t smell like skunk, to him. It was as bad as skunk. But more like spoiled meat. With a hint of something else. He remembered his mother as she lay on her deathbed, too heavy to move on her own for the last months of her life. She’d gained a putrescence all her own in that awful summer. She died stewing in her own filth. That’s what the smell reminded Willie of.

As Ronnie reached his father, the dogs ran over to the boy. They sat at his feet and put their noses into his crotch.

“Fuckin’ dogs,”

“I guess they like me better than you, Daddy.”

“Well maybe you should hunt with them and I’ll stay home next time and play Intendo. How’s that sound?”

“Nintendo,” Ronnie corrected. “I didn’t think you liked video games, Daddy.” Ronnie bent and scratched Pete behind his ears.

“You’re as useless as tits on a boar hog, you know that Ronnie?”

Willie began digging in his coveralls again, wanting another cigarette.

He found it, and while he lit it, Ronnie wondered aloud: “What do we do now? Go home?”

“I don’t want to go home empty handed.”

“I’ve never seen the dogs like this, Daddy.”

Willie said nothing. He stood and smoked.

“Wanna take them to the truck?”
Willie cocked his jaw and regarded his son. The dogs acting spooked should have been enough, but that Ronnie was wanting to leave, too, really bothered him. As much as Ronnie liked his shitass loud music and his Intendo Games, the boy was a natural hunter who enjoyed getting out into the woods as much as Willie did. But Ronnie was nervous. Almost more than the dogs, Willie saw.

“They stink,” Willie said, pointing to the dogs.

With another drag on his cigarette, Willie admitted defeat.

“Let’s go,” he said.

Ronnie went digging in his pants and pulled a length of choker chain out of each of his side pockets. He handed one to his father to use on Pete and used the other on Shep. He bent to clip the chain onto Shep’s collar.

He surprised his father when he stopped in mid-motion. Instead of hooking the chain into place, Ronnie bent even further, and planted his nose right onto the hound’s back. Shep, who had planted himself between the boy and his father, took no mind.

Ronnie took a deep whiff off the tickhound. He straightened, eyes rolled back into his head. He studied what he found.

He took a step toward Pete, and repeated the process.

He stood, and announced, “I don’t think it’s the dogs that smell, Daddy.”

Willie sighed.

“Hook Shep up. Let’s go.”

Willie looked up at the sky, and then fumbled in his left pocket for a compass. He flipped it open, and thought for a second.

“Ronnie, if I ain’t wrong, the road ain’t but three quarters a mile or so thataway.” He pointed in a vaguely southern direction, toward the far end of the hollow. The roundabout way he and Ronnie had traveled chasing the dogs had put them relatively close to New Hope Road, where they’d parked. It was a twenty minute walk at most.

Ronnie finished hooking Shep’s chain into place.

Willie took one more sniff of the air. It smelled a little cleaner. That, or he was getting used to the smell. He decided that something had probably died nearby. A deer, or maybe a bear that had gotten shot but had run far enough away that its hunter hadn’t found it. They were too far away from the road for someone to have made a garbage dump.

Ronnie straightened up after checking Pete’s chain

“Let’s go.”

Willie stomped off toward the edge of the hollow.

Willie had always thought leashing a coonhound is often quite the trying process. Getting them to cooperate once they are leashed is doubly difficult. That night, Shep and Pete were eerily patient and compliant with the two men. Ronnie had taken both chain leashes and both dogs walked right at his heel. Occasionally, they would stop to look off to their left, into the woods. This odd behavior, Willie noticed because he walked behind Ronnie. If Ronnie noticed, he gave no sign. His son walked straight ahead.

They re-entered the woods at the end of the hollow.

Willie moved ahead of the group again. Ronnie followed, chains for the dogs in his right hand, his rifle in his left. The men and the dogs were walking in the direction of New Hope Road.

Their path lead them into an indention surrounded by a horseshoe shaped ridge. To their left, about 20 yards away was a sharp rise that went up about 60 feet. On their right the forest floor went on flatly before giving way to a rise of its own about 400 yards away. On the other side, the North River gurgled. As they walked, their path gradually rose, and would come to another steep ridge. If it wasn’t too steep, Willie, Ronnie and the dogs would simply walk down the 60 feet or so to the road. If it was, they would walk along it until they found a safe place to climb down. The forest was somewhat sparse here, with only young oaks and maples spaced out along the forest floor.

They’d walked about ten minutes when Willie mentioned they’d be on New Hope Road in just a few minutes.

“Good,” was Ronnie’s response.

Willie didn’t say anything, but he shared his son’s relief. .

They walked another minute, and then Shep and Pete stopped. They would go no further in the direction they currently traveled. The dogs stopped. Ronnie walked the length of their chains, and then he too stopped, jerked comically backward at their refusal to move.

He pulled a couple of times on the chain, a little harder than he meant to.

“Come on, guys.”

Willie stopped at the sound of his son’s voice. He saw the dogs had stopped. Their tails were between their legs and they were on their stomachs. They whined when Ronnie walked back to coax them on.

“Goddammit!” Willie roared, finally having reached the his limit, “I’ve had just about enough of these fucking dogs!”

“They’re scared, Daddy.”

Ronnie rubbed Pete’s back, where Willie saw, the dog’s fur was standing on end.

Willie looked around them. He couldn’t figure out what was making the dogs act like this. He thought briefly of coyotes, or maybe wild dogs, both of which sometimes showed up to run cattle in Dickerman County. Either could tear a dog to shreds. But he’d have heard them, he thought. Willie thought of a bear, too. Maybe the dogs had run up on a bear, and it’d scared the shit out of them. This prospect gave him a little pause, since he didn’t much like the chances of a 15-year-old and a one-armed-man should they run into a bear that felt threatened by the dogs. He dismissed the idea, though, since he and Ronny were near, and he’d been shouting up a blue storm. Enough to scare a bear, anyway.

That thought gave Willie a little courage.

He took a look into the forest. All around them.

“Dammit! Pete, Shep, C’mon!” He cried, trying to make as much noise as possible, if only to rouse up the dogs just a little bit. “We only got a little ways to go before we get to the truck!”

The dogs didn’t budge.

“This is horseshit, guys,” he said, ashamed of his dogs.

“Let’s go, guys,” Ronnie added, a little more gently.

If anything, the dogs hunkered down a little more deeply.

“Mother Fuck!” Willie screamed, dropping his gun. He whirled quickly on his heel, yelling into the woods: “You dogs want to go home, but yer too fuckin’ stupid to move!” He added for the benefit of anybody listening: “Fuck!”

Then he whirled on Ronnie, who flinched.

“Once we get back home, we’re selling these fucking God Damned Dogs!”

Ronnie blinked, then sighed.

“I gotta piss,” Willie announced, winding his diatribe down. He spun again on his heel and walked over to a fallen pine tree.

He unzipped and started peeing, continuing to Ronnie: “I don’t understand, ya know? You work and work and work to raise a couple of good coondogs and you get into the woods and they go crazy fucking chickenshit and aren’t good for anything.”

Ronnie listened with half an ear. He was looking at the dogs as their ears perked up. They raised their heads and looked forward, at the corner of the ridge they would have to cross to get to the road.

He started to mention something to Willie, but stopped.

He heard it.

His breath left him.

Willie finished peeing. He stuffed everything back into placed pulled his zipper up and turned again on the dogs.

“I really oughtta take up fishing, ya know?” No fuckin’ dogs to screw you out of yer first night off in....”

“Daddy, listen.”

“No, you listen, Ronny! I....”

“Listen!” Ronnie said, pointing up in the direction of the ridge. It was still 300, 350 yards off.

Willie listened.

His first thought was tom toms. Like the kind you hear in the old Cowboys and Indians movies. From the 40's, like they showed on Saturday afternoons on TV when he was a kid. But not tom toms. Just one: tom tom. It came every couple of seconds or so. One beat. But it wasn’t a tom tom.

Willie lost his arm while driving for the Paper Mill in Quincy. He’d driven a log truck, and one of the sounds he’d gotten used to was the sound of pine logs, the trunks of the entire tree, being loaded onto a trailer. One solid piece of live, green wood would strike another, and it would make a thick, “thunk” sound. One rainy afternoon, the load on a trailer he’d been pulling shifted. It caused the whole rig to tip. He heard that “thunk” sound several times that afternoon. He’d lost his arm in the wreck as the load bounced across the highway
.
The sound was unmistakable to him. What he, Ronnie and the dogs were hearing was the sound of one tree being hit against another. Maybe not a tree. But definitely one large log being struck against another tree. But it sounded so heavy. It didn’t make sense. A regular sound. As they sat there for half a minute, and then a minute, listening, the rhythm never changed, even as the wind picked up and shifted.

“What is it, Daddy?”

“I donknow, Ronnie.”

“It’s gotta be someone up there doin’ it, right? Like an axe or something?”

“I....I don’t think so Ronnie...” was all he could manage.

He looked back at Ronnie, whose eyes were as big as eggs. He heard his son’s throat work with an audible click. He thought better of saying what it sounded like to him.

The dogs stared intently ahead into the night, in the direction of the sound. But now, they seemed ready to bolt in the other direction if given reason and opportunity.

“I don’t blame them,” Willie whispered.

“Huh?”

“Let’s go this way,” Willie said, pointing a path running perpindicular to the one they had been traveling.

Ronnie nodded, and the dogs seeming to understand going away from the noise, stood and trotted that way immediately.

While they talked, the beating sound from on top of the ridge didn’t stop.

Willie, Ronnie, Shep and Pete walked in silence, away from the noise. After maybe five minutes (an eternity), the noise stopped. Willie stopped them then, and checked his compass in the moonlight.

“We ain’t too far from the truck, I don’t think.”

“How far?” Ronnie asked, a little breathless. He looked over his left shoulder in the direction they’d come.

“Not far. Over that rise.” Willie pointed over to his left, where the ridge was curving around to meet them. “We parked just before the North River Bridge, remember?”

His boy nodded.

“You can hear it, if you listen.”

Ronnie strained his ears, but he did hear the faint whisper of the river. Normally, it would have been rushing, but the summer and fall had been dry.

“The truck’s just over that ridge,” Ronnie said, more to himself than to his dad or to his dogs.

The dogs didn’t seem to mind when Willie altered the direction ever so slightly to the left, heading toward the corner of the ridge horseshoe. In fact, the dogs seemed to pick up the pace. They started to trot, and edge ahead of Willie and Ronnie. Ronnie, who’d been leading them, started struggling with their chains. Shep trotted ahead of Ronnie on his right, while Pete darted between Ronnie and his father, on Ronnie’s left. Ronnie struggled with the chains twisting around his legs.

“Damn it, Pete,” he said, stopping Pete and stepping backward over the chain with his left leg, and then his right. He gathered the chains into his right hand again, and then froze, listening.

A shaky sigh rolled out of him. He forced himself forward.

He licked his lips, and croaked: “Daddy!”

Willie walked but cocked his ear toward Ronnie.

“Somethin’s trailin’ us.”

They stopped.

Willie and Ronnie both heard it. One step, and nothing. But it was enough. In the woods, only a stone’s throw away back and to their left, something else was walking with them. That something had stopped with them. No, somebody, Willie thought darkly.

“Okay, Ronny,” he whispered. “Walk, but slowly. Don’t talk.” Wedging his gun in the crook of his missing arm, Willie pulled a shell for the .22 from the pouch of his left pocket. He loaded it into the chamber with a dexterity that belied his missing hand.

The dogs had likewise taken notice of the body behind them, but they kept their cool. As Ronnie started walking with them, they seemed to understand the plan. They forged a path through the leaves in front of Ronnie, but kept nosing the air and looking back in the direction of their tracker. Willie walked behind his son, carrying the gun in his left hand at the ready.

His kept his ear on the woods coming from behind them. The sound definitely somebody on two legs. It was behind them. The canopy of trees was growing thicker, and moonlight wasn’t filtering to the ground so much. The light was dim, and Willie couldn’t see through the brush. But he figured the somebody was maybe forty feet off. No more than sixty.

He had the vaguest dark notion that whatever (whoever, he corrected) was back there, was big. He didn’t know why he knew it, but he knew it as sure as he knew his name was Willie Hammond. He thought again of the sound they’d heard minutes before from the top of the ridge. Suddenly, he was sure that whatever had been up on the hill was now down in the woods. Escorting them, almost.

They reached the bottom of the ridge. It wasn’t a bad climb. A little steep. All in all, Ronnie guessed about fifty feet. He figured the slope down to the road was a little trickier. Steeper, and more rugged.
Ronnie paused, and shot his father a glance. Willie nodded that he take the dogs on up the hill.

Then the world fell apart.

From behind them, to the right, on top of the right edge of the horseshoe came the sound they’d heard earlier. “Thonk, Thonk, Thonk,” came the sound of heavy log against heavy log.

The dogs stopped. Ronnie stopped. Willie stopped.

Willie and Ronnie looked at each other.

Then came the reply from the forest, some forty feet away from Willie and Ronnie.

For the rest of their lives, neither would forget the sound that erupted from the night.

Willie thought of the overflow alarm on the Ryan Dam on the Hiwassee River, the one that had burst when he was a boy. He thought of a train whistle. He thought of a wolf howling, his wife screaming. That, if the whole kit had been run twice through Hell itself.

Ronnie had absolutely no frame of reference. When he heard the awful, piercing cry, he knew that he didn’t just hear it. He felt it, all the way into his soul. He knew only that it was as loud and as awful as anything he would ever hear for the rest of his life. A couple of years later, he would hear the word “visceral” used in an English class. He raised his hand to ask what it meant. But he already knew, somehow. for this sound he was hearing now was the most visceral, animal sound he could imagine.

The Scream, as Ronnie would call it for the rest of his life, lasted an infinity of four seconds. It was followed by a shorter, second yell.

The Scream got a reply from where they’d just heard the logs being knocked together many minutes before.

And then came a reply from just on their right, where they’d heard the “thonk” sound the second time.

Ronnie looked and Willie.

Willie said, “Run.”

Ronnie needed no incentive. He and the dogs were gone.

Willie turned back to the forest, and scanned. Without thinking, he raised the .22, pointed it in the direction the Scream had come from, and fired.

He wasn’t sure if he’d imagined what he saw next until much later. As the muzzle of the rifle lit up the night. About thirty feet away from him, and a little to the right of where he’d been pointing the gun. In the night, ridiculously high, to Willie’s mind, there were two red eyes.

And Willie ran.

Ronnie and the dogs had a couple of seconds head start.

The two men and the two dogs sprinted up the hill. Willie would give thanks for the moonlight, and for all the luck, that he or Ronny hadn’t run headlong into a tree or tripped on a stump or in a hole.

Even if they had, Willie would have kept running. Because whatever had been back there, Willie knew, was now following them up the embankment. The noise of terrific and horrible. It was a like a freight train was barreling up the hill behind him, tearing down the forest in the process, knocking aside whatever was in its path.

Ronnie and the dogs got to the top of the hill first. Ronnie tried to pause and look for a footpath, but Pete and Shep had other ideas. They wanted no more part of this crazy night. They would get off this hill and out of these woods if it meant dragging Ronnie down and out with them.

To his credit, Ronnie managed to keep his footing most of the way down. He half ran/half slid until about eight feet from the bottom. His heel caught on a root. He flew the rest of the way down the heel and landed on New Hope Road on his stomach.

He had blinked the dust out of his eyes and had taken his first breath when he heard his father yelling from the hill, himself tumble-running down the steep slope. What he was saying was mostly unintelligible, but Ronnie did recognize “Shit” and “Truck.”

For Willie’s part, he felt like whatever monster/train had been chasing him up the hill had stayed on top fo the ridge. He shared a kinship that moment with the dogs, wanting nothing else to do with the woods, coon hunting or this fucked up loony shit night in general.

He managed to more jump than fall out of the woods. The edge of the hill before the road was actually a four-foot high wall of limestone. Willie managed to clear this and rolled to a stop halfway across the gravel road.

Ronnie was already up and making for the pickup truck, which was only a hundred feet from where they’d jumped from the woods.

Willie picked up his rifle, which had skittered across the road, and followed his son at a sprint.

Ronnie had already made for the passenger seat, which seemed just as well for Pete and Shep, who’d joined the boy in the cab. Willie ran, fishing his keys from his chest pocket as he did, knocking cigarettes and lighter to the ground. He got in the truck, handing his rifle across to Ronnie as he got in.

He fumbled with the key, trying once and twice to get the key into the ignition.
Ronnie was muttering, “C’mon, C’mon.”

On the third try, Willie got the key into the ignition. For half a second, he was just knew the truck wouldn’t start.

But he was wrong, thank Jesus for small favors. The rusty Dodge fired right to life.

The tires sang for purchase, spitting gravel and dust into the night. Willie looked out of the corner of his eye at the driver’s side mirror. The truck leapt into the road. In the crimson glow of the tail-lights, Willie thought he saw something big cross the road in his wake. In two steps, the shape went from one side of the road to the other, and then vanished into the canopy of the forest.

He put his eyes in front of him. He drove as fast as he could to rid himself forever of the Priest Woods.

Willie and Ronnie stopped at the Gas n’ Grub in Trainersville as the sun poked its way over the mountain. Neither had spoken in the hour and a half they’d driven down the winding backroad.

That’s where I saw them. I hadn’t seen Willie in a couple of years, and I told him hello.

Willie was pumping the gas while Ronnie pulled the dogs from the cab of the truck and put them into the metal pens in the bed.

“Coon hunting, Willie?”

Willie only grunted. I irked me that after two years, this was the only response I was getting.

“Didja get anything?”

Willie looked at Ronnie, who stared glassily back. His boy was exhausted. He topped off the tank, and looked back at me for a second.

“No, we didn’t,” he said.

“You want to buy a couple of coon hounds?”



Do you want to know what I’ve always thought about that story?

I always thought it was bullshit.

I knew Willie was scared. I knew Ronnie had been scared. But I’d never given them much credit for brains.

I figured they’d run up on a bear, and had it blown up in their minds to be something else.

I figured the next time I saw Willie Hammond, I owed him an apology.

I also thought of one last thing:

I got up from my conversation with Willie to hit the head, telling him that I had to see a man about a horse. I returned from the toilet to find Willie gone. I ordered another beer, figuring to myself that it needed to be my last if I was going to make it to the grocery before they closed.

I was taking the first sip from the bottle when I saw a body move into the stool on my left.

“Hello, Michael.”

“Mr. Waverly. How are you?”

“Call me Lyndon, Michael. It’s good to see you.”

“You too. How’ve you been?”

“Pretty good, for this part of the road.”

We talked for a minute or two about the little nothings of life in a small town. Then he asked:

“What were you and Willie Hammond talking about so intently?”

I tried to wrap my mind around it. Finally, I could only say: “Willie’s not so much for coonhunting anymore.”

Lyndon considered that. He patted me on the back, and said “See you next time, Michael.”
Part 6:

I turned from my ruminition of my town’s history, and saw Willie Walker staring at me through the glass door of the newspaper office. I’d wondered if and how I was going to get the kid’s attention, if he had been hip-deep in sorting out the answers to the town’s football pool, headphones filling his head with whatever noise they were calling music nowadays.

He twisted the lock out of place, and stuck his head out of the door, catching his earphones in the process. He took those down.

“Can I help you, Mr. Wells?”

“I’m 29, Willie,” I said. “I’ve not cottoned to that Mr. Wells bullshit, yet. Nobody calls me that unless they’re collecting for a bill.”

Willie digested that. Let me say this: I’ve known Willie Walker very nearly as long as he’s been alive. It’s one of those small town things. There’s one school, there are but five or six churches to attend (depending on whether that Pentecostal church that meets in the storefront across from the courthouse is up on its rent or not). Willie and I went to the same school, same church. Even if he was 7 years younger...chances are, we’d met.

Add to that the fact that I dated Willie’s sister Melissa for a couple of years when we were both just coming back to town from our college lives.

Willie was simply the type to take a second to think about both everything said to him, and everything he was about to say. A lot of people took him for slow. I always took him for having some manner of disconnect up in his brain....a low grade autism or something like that. He didn’t same to have the same filters that a lot of us do in our brains that let us read the tone of somebody’s voice. Willie seemed to need an extra second now and then to analyze what was being said, to sort out the whats and hows of what was coming toward him.

“Well,” he said after a moment’s consideration, “Can I help you with something? You’ve been standing there for a little bit.”

Jeez. I know my history of the town was long-winded. Was I daydreaming?

“Just thinking, Willie.”

“Oh.”

“How’s everybody down your way?”

A pause: “They’re fine. Melissa’s married now.”

Melissa had been married for three years, now. There was some consternation that I hadn’t attended the wedding. But despite my non-attendance, and the fact that she was living in Nashville, I was well aware that Melissa was married.

“Yeah, Willie. I know. How’re your folks?”

“They’re fine.” Everything Willie said had a matter-of-fact tone to it, that I’ll tell you I actually found kind of funny in. He spent most of one Christmas afternoon explaining to me over and over again about the Playstation he and his brother had gotten for Christmas, the fact that he was saying the same thing over and over again being the only indication of his excitement, otherwise untraceable in his monotone.

I also thought about the time I’d been at their home when Melissa’s younger and Willie’s older brother Jimmy had managed to fall out of one of the hickory trees in the back yard, breaking both legs–and how Willie had announced the horrific incident with a sort of bemused detachment....’Jimmy fell out of the tree. His legs are twisted underneath him.”

While everybody ran to help the kid, who was screaming his heart, lungs and spleen out, Willie watched from a distance, calmly drinking a Mountain Dew.

“Came by to ask you a question.” (Except, I don’t think I asked it like that...I think I stammered a couple of times, trying to find a way to break into the next part of the conversation.)

A pause. Then: “Okay.”

“I got told that Lyndon Waverly passed away earlier this week, but I couldn’t find an obituary. Mark told me you wrote the obituaries.”

“Yeah,” Willie said. "Mostly I just edit what the funeral home or the family sends me." I noted that though I’d moved forward early in the conversation to be friendly, Willie was standing in the door of the newspaper, holding the door open just enough to stick his head out, almost like he was ready to slam it shut at a second’s notice. In case this dude that Willie’d known almost literally his entirely life had decided to rush the door.

I waited. Don’t know if I thought Willie’d be able to use that journalistic training he’d picked up at the university to put two and two together, but we both stood there in the autumn breeze staring at each other.

Willie squinted, and ran a hand through his longish brown hair, and before he could speak his question.

“Was there a death notice for Lyndon Waverly, or something from a funeral home, or anything saying that he’d died?”

He stared, and then shook his head. “No.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.” He stared his wide-eyed, unblinking stare at me.

“Did anybody from his family maybe ask that they not print anything about the funeral.”

“No,” he said, after that pause, which I granted really might get on your nerves if you were working close with the boy, even if you’d allowed that he wasn’t slow.

“This is getting weird” I said, more to myself than to Willie.

Willie took everything as matter-of-fact. And while I wondered at the wisdom of putting this kid in charge of dealing with any potentially angry, bereaved folks complaining about misprints in obituaries, I had to figure that of anybody possibly working at the newspaper, the person least likely to get burnt out on it probably was Willie.

“It’s weird?” Willie asked.

“Umm, yeah. I don’t know. You’d know more about this than I would. Have you ever heard of a reason for somebody’s obituary not being in the paper?”

“No obituary at all?”

“No obituary at all,” I said.

Willie’s eyes shifted down at the sidewalk for a second, and then returned to mine.

“No,” he said.

I wouldn’t have thought anything about it, except that this was the first time in the 20 plus years I’d known the kid that he’d not looked me in the eye, whether he was telling me about video games, his brother falling out of a tree, or the fact that he needed only the Gary DiSarcina and Shawon Dunston cards to complete 1995's set of Topps baseball cards, and telling me that 193 times.

“Willie, is there something you’re not telling me?”

You know how you’re expecting something without realizing that you’re expecting it?

I’d expected Willie to just say “No,” in that matter of fact voice of his, leaving me to wander back down to the Wells Homestead confused and resigned to heading to the funeral of Lyndon Waverly, a funeral that, as far as I knew, was of neither public nor private knowledge.

“Yeah,” Willie said.

“Can you come in?” he asked me. It was probably the most human reaction I’d gotten from Mr. Willie Walker in the whole time I’d known him.

I followed Willie inside, and he locked the front door behind me.

I was always struck by the offices of the paper.. Up until a few years earlier, I’d only seen what Hollywood had wanted me to see. Every time I came into the offices, which wasn’t often, but it happened regularly enough, I was taken by the complete lack of hustle or bustle. I was taken by the workmanlike attitudes of those who write at the desks, hunched over their computers. I had thought once that they looked a little like cavemen, down in their cave, only instead of inventing the wheel or perfecting the harness of fire, they were writing about some ‘grinding car crash’ that had taken place when somebody didn’t have the good sense God gave most farm animals to slow down in the rain.

Granted, the Trainersville Herald-Frontier wasn’t the New York Times, and this was a sunny Saturday afternoon in the middle of football season. But the small, windowless pit area spoke even more of a cave or some manner or animal’s den than it did a small-town newspaper when there were none in the cave but me and Willie.

Willie didn’t have the florescent tubes lit overhead, and was working instead by a couple of floor lamps at a desk stuck in the corner of the Herald-Frontier’s pit.

And they call it a pit for a good reason. You have to decent four steps into it. I always felt like Cecil Reece, the longtime owner and publisher of the paper, had designed the room that way so he could, even at 5'3" tower over his staff, addressing him from his bully pulpit at the head of the pit.

Willie descended into the pit, and I followed. He took me to his desk, and pulled a chair up for me. He looked once up at the television he had playing–it struck me that I wished I had a job where I could watch football while I was working, and then at me.

“You can’t tell anyone about this,” he said, voice rough. “I’m not supposed to tell.” He was bursting at the seams with his responsibility in a conspiracy.

He pulled a brown envelope from his desk and handed it to me.

“You aren’t going to have to kill me when I see what’s in here, are you?” I asked, smiling in spite of myself. I like to believe that Willie and I got along so well earlier in our lives because subtlety has never been a strong suit of mine, either. I hoped he knew that I was kidding him.

“No,” Willie said. He didn’t return the smile. “I printed these off this morning, before Cecil deleted them.”

I opened the brad on the envelope, which was marked “football pictures,” and pulled a small stack of pictures printed on normal 8 ½" by 11" paper.

Again. Do you know how you’re expecting something without realizing it?

Well, I don’t know what I was expecting when Willie handed me the pictures, what I’d expected to be in the envelope. I think since it was marked as such, I expected “football pictures,” maybe from the previous night’s high school games. Trainersville had played Hopper County the night before.

The first picture was that of a trail, gravel, and mostly dirt, that led into the woods. The picture was taken on a fine sunny day, and the color of the leaves told me that the pictures were taken sometime around now, when folks were coming from all over the country to our neck of the woods to look at the colors the trees put off this time of the year. It had been a reasonably wet and temperate summer, and we’d had our first frost a week and a half or so before. The leaves were in fine display.

The next picture shown a similar view. More fall colors with a lake in the forefront. The beach on the righthand side of the photo told me that the photographer was visiting Lake Erin up near Monmouth Point. I also recognized the drain station, installed by FDR’s CCC, back in my grandfather’s days, on the left edge of the picture, mostly cut out, but with the bright red safety bars peeking around the edge.

I thumbed through the other pictures. There were 27 pictures, all told. Most were of the leaves. Whoever had taken the pictures was going for a hike, most likely up toward Monmouth Falls, and was going simply mad with the digital camera.

I wasn’t seeing anything remarkable about the pictures, as I thumbed through them, until I’d gotten about three quarters of the way through the stack. Even then, I had to stop my progress, and go back to the previous picture. I wasn’t sure of what I’d seen that made me go back, but a little voice barked at the back of my mind, told me to stop.

The picture, designated 0018.jpg, might have been another unremarkable shot of leaves–maybe I’m biased and jaded having grown up this close to the display, but I never really understood taking pictures of the leaves. I really felt that a.) if you’d seen one picture of leaves changing color, you’d seen them all, and b.) pictures didn’t do the real thing justice, anyway. And I’d passed #18 by, but something bothered me.

It was out of focus, for one. Which may or may not be weird enough. I’ve never claimed to be a photographer...most of my pictures looked like #18, to be honest. But this one was strangely out of kilter, when you consider that the others pictures in the stack thus far had been the crisp, competent pictures of somebody who knows what they’re looking for, and what to do with a digital camera.

And then I saw, it wasn’t that the picture was out of focus. It’s that the automatic focus mechanism of the camera seemed to be focusing on something else.

And well, I’m not eloquent enough to say what it is I saw. There wasn’t enough
substance to it to call it anything more than a shape. And that’s what I’ll go with: In the upper right hand corner of the picture, there was a shape. My eye had disregarded it at first. It almost looked like the remains of a fallen tree that had fallen seasons before, and because of its close proximity to the camera, I’m thinking the camera must have focused on the log.

I looked at the log, and considered it.

Awfully big for a log, I said.

Thirteen or fourteen years ago, we had a vicious arm of springtime thunderstorms sweep through the area, bringing six or seven tornados with it. I’d been in high school a the time, and we spent most of the afternoon in the hallway, head tucked between our knees (to kiss our asses goodbye, we’d said). Meanwhile, at the school, we got hail and some wind. Across town, one small twister tore apart houses across the street from my parents’, and left Molly, our golden retriever with such a paranoia about storms that even a clap of thunder would send her pissing and shivering across the lawn.

The hiking trails at Lake Erin were closed for the summer after that, and the campsites for three.. Probably the worst of the storm had ripped a 2 mile swath of trees apart, almost complete obliterating the area. Friends and I had wandered up there a few weeks later, and it looked like pictures you see of Hiroshima or Nagasaki, or that picture of the trees in Tunguska, in Russia, after they had their weird blast a century or so ago. The ground was basically flattened, for almost a mile in either direction, with trees twisted and torn down everywhere. Nothing had withstood the storm.

I say that to say this: All the trees knocked down from that storm had been taken out of the area. Some had been sold for timber, by the Forest Service. The proceeds were used in part to rebuild the campgrounds and hiking trails.

The forest was now creeping back in.

It was old forest in that area, so the forest was having to decide whether to replace itself with grassland or more forest. Ithad skipped a beat or two in the forest cycle....old deciduous trees were managing to replace themselves with young, deciduous trees.

I pretty much crapped out of boy scouts, but the one thing I knew is that old, deciduous trees don’t grow quickly. The one thing I’d noticed from the previous three or four pictures was that the picture taker, whoever they were, had wandered to that point of the trail that had been blown to kingdom come more than a decade before. The trees were still small. Most were no more than a foot or so in circumference, and I doubted that any had managed to reach much more than a dozen feet in height.

This thing on the ground, it could have been left over from that purge, but for some reason I doubted it.

Was it a rock?

And why did I have the unsettling notion that somehow, this formless, dark shape was regarding the picture taker? When I looked at it closely, I decided that there was nothing there to make me think that. Still, I had that tickle at the back of my skull.

I looked back at Willie, who had opened the top drawer of the desk, and was fiddling around with the contents.

I thumbed through the rest of the pictures. Numbers 19, 20 and 21 were pretty much plain, unremarkable.

22 gave me more pause. With the exception of the first picture, all the pictures had been of the foliage. This one was again of the trail. And I don’t know why, except maybe that I’ve walked that trail a couple dozen times in my life, but I felt like all the first pictures had been taken while walking up the trail toward the Monmouth Falls, all looking roughly forward.

I felt like this one was taken looking back down the trail, at the way the picture taker had come.

I studied the picture for a second more. I couldn’t see anything untoward. Just a picture of a trail.

Picture 23 was the same picture, only from perhaps a few steps up the trail. I saw the same trees, the same rock in the path, the same blue trail marker that had been spray painted on the trunk of one of the larger trees on the edge of the path.

Only it was out of focus. The weird thing with this picture was that there was nothing, no dark shape even, for the camera to be focusing on. The whole picture was just blurry.

Picture 24 was taken, I was assuming, later down the trail. Again, the picture taker was taking pictures of foliage.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, or overly frightful, I’ll say that Picture 25 gave me real trouble, even today.

Again, the camera was faced back down the trail (I was now sure of it...the logs lining the trail were stair-stepping down...the trail to Monmouth Falls runs vaguelyy up its two-mile path, as you head to the top of the falls).

The picture taker had just rounded a bend. They had moved back into the area of forest not hurt as badly by the storms all those years ago, and I could see in the background several large trees, with trunks big enough around to hide a man.

I say that, because I finally saw what my brain had been tickling me to see, what the picture taker had wanted to take a picture of.

There was something there, in the picture. It was large. That’s all I can say. The only reference I have is another of the blue trail marks painted on a tree trunk. Generally, they’ll paint those around five feet off the ground. Give or take. It didn’t matter how high, because the thing in the picture towered at least 3 feet higher than that.

It was vaguely man shaped. I thought I could make out arms and legs, and a head up top of what looked like two wide shoulders.

But I couldn’t make out any more detail than that. The camera was blurry, but I don’t think it was the camera’s fault, or the picture taker’s fault.

I studied the picture for a good long time.

Like I said. I don’t have a good description, because I’m not sure there’s anything else to describe in the picture. Except the eyes. There is a large, dark shape that towers at least a yard over the trail marker, and it is staring directly at the camera. With two red eyes. Two eyes that mark the only detail of this giant, formless shape.

I thought of the statue of Jesus that every church in the area ends up going to see in Gatlinburg...the one carved in concave. So that the eyes follow you everywhere you go.

Yeah. This picture would have been a much more effective way to get me to behave.

I pulled my eyes away from the picture, made myself flip past it.

Pictures 26 and 27 aren’t of anything, really.

I think the photographer was running, and had clicked a couple of pictures of the ground as they ran. Maybe their finger was on the shutter button, and they hadn’t realized it.

I leafed through the pictures again. I skipped #25.

I looked back at Willie, who was rifling through the contents of his top desk drawer.

“What do you think?” I asked, looking for something, anything to say.

Willie looked at me thoughtfully, with his wide, unblinking eyes. Then, he reached down into desk drawer with his left hand, and pulled out a large paper clip.

“I think that this is the largest paper clip I have ever seen,” he said.

I nodded.

“They used to use them to clip galleys together.”

“Oh.”

He smiled.
Part 5:

The ambitiously named Trainersville Herald-Frontier found its headquarters on the top of a hill at the west end of town. From the steps leading up to its editorial department, you can turn and see pretty much the whole of Trainersville.

I did this, before heading to the door of the newspaper. Looked north, and south. Saw the First Baptist Church (the other Baptist church, the one with Air Conditioning, for those keeping score) bounding the town on the north, and Mt. Zion’s A.M.E. on the south. The newspaper and the Elementary School (on my right) up on the ridge effectively formed a town proper border on the western end of town. To the east, you could see the six-story building the Bank of Trainersville had built a decade or so back–Trainersville’s first “skyscraper,” and past the bank, you saw a mix of houses, trailers and open land. Dots of farms and open land lined the route from Trainersville to Quincy, down State Highway 16 toward the McAllen Paper Mill and the Hiwassee River.

Want a short history of Trainersville and Dickerman County?

I took the bulk of this from a paper I wrote in the seventh grade, though I did some research for this very tome you’re reading now, at the Trainersville Public Library, on a night when a softball game was rained out.

Those first settlers of Dickerman County, religious outcasts who believed that the Holy Trinity actually consisted of God, Jesus and John Quincy Adams, founded a church and a post office on the banks of the Hiwassee River in the early 1820's, appropriately after the third leg of the Trinity.

The county was named after Jonas Dickerman, a hero of the Revolutionary War of much lesser renown than he desired (though twice as much as he deserved) and later Indian Removal Artist, who recieved a huge tract of land in payment for his services to our young country.

Jonas found religion late in life, after a meeting then president John Quincy Adams. It was a brief meeting, at which the President Adams shook Dickerman’s hand, thanked him for his service to our country. Not long after the meeting, Dickerman’s many maladies cleared and quickly.

Dickerman, a pleasant man, to be sure, was renowned less for his Revolutionary War heroics and more for his many, many maladies. At various points in his life, Dickerman had been laid up with any number of maladies...indeed, it might be remarkable that he made it to the ripe old age of 93, except that you need to consider that the man spent more than half his life in bed, recovering from any number of illness or injury. Granted, he spent much of his life sick, but he spent more than equal amounts of time in various states of recuperation.

At various points in his life, it is written that Dickerman found himself laid up with busted knees, shoulders or in one case, what is described as “Busted Skull.” Likewise, records and Dickerman’s own journals show that the colonel found himself suffering at various points from any number of influenzas, respiratory ailments, bronchial infections and pneumonias as well as a vague but long-lasting bout Dickerman suffered during his years spent living hunting in upstate New York , something his doctors refer to simply as “The Dropsy of Five Nations.”

Nor were his lungs the only issue: Various intestinal maladies seem to be something of a speciality of Col. Dickerman. For a great deal of his life, he could only stomach a weak corn-mush and milk as his only form of sustenance. Dickerman’s journals are lined with descriptions of the stomach issues he suffered from most of his life, most of which doctors would probably ascribe to severe lactose intolerance. But along his way, in his travels as an Indian Tracker, Dickerman seems to have picked up every water- and food-borne intestinal bacteria that one could pick up in late 18th and early 19th century America.

“Dickerman suffers again from diarrhea,” is a line found in a great many doctor’s journals of the time. Little can be attributed to this, with the exception of one physician’s opinion that “Dickerman would do well to have his meat cooked a little more....” though this is less a medical opinion than a statement of a doctor who served as his hunt party’s launderer as well. It seems that Dickerman believed rather stringently that it was entirely too easy to cook all the taste out of a piece of meat, be it deer, pork or beef, and often times a hunt on their party would end with an entreaty from Dickerman that they “run a hunk of meat on a stick through the flames a couple of times and feed me it [sic].”

And the opinion of the launderer was that Dickerman might have better luck keeping clean white shirts if he weren’t constantly dripping the blood from barely cooked meat all over his apparel.

Despite standardized medicine not quite having come into full effect in the time, there is one thing the medical professionals of the time all agree upon: Dickerman was a man of prodigious appetites, but he was also incredibly picky about what he ate.

In that there was little besides meat that he would eat.

Let it be known that there was not an animal Jonas Dickerman would not eat. Cow. Pig. Chicken. Duck. Sheep. All were game. Squirrel, rabbit and possum were not all that unusual for the day, either. But Dickerman’s own journals detail the eating of dogs, cats, rats, snakes, gophers, woodchucks, moles, voles and field mice. There is one story, highly debated, about whether Dickerman’s late return from the War of 1812 was truly because he wouldn’t pay an innkeeper’s price for a meal, and decided to follow through on his threat that “he’d cook and eat the horse he was riding before paying 7 cents for an overcooked hunk of steak!”

One local scholar maintains today that Dickerman’s intentions in moving to the Appalachian mountain area was simply the first part of a plan to lead a winter-time expedition across the mountains, in hopes of getting trapped in the ice and snow, so that Dickerson might be able to dine on his traveling companions, and that the only thing that kept that course from being taken was Dickerson’s discovery of religion.

It’s a meandering history, but I’ve said all that to say this.

On the day Dickerman met with President John Quincy Adams, he was in sad shape. It was October of 1827, and doctors were in a frenzy to determine the reason for Dickerman’s declining health, this time around. He arrived to meet the president, suffering from a pallor in his complexion, covered in bruises. His gums were bleeding, his hair was falling out. Dark circles surround his eyes, and he had suffered two nosebleeds that day, the second of which he’d unsuccessfully attempted to stifle with the cuff of his shirt.

Further, Dickerman’s tongue had inexplicably swollen on him, and rendered any attempt at speech a matter of untranscribable and undecipherable gibberish.

The legend says that Adams shook Dickerman’s hand, granted him the huge tract of land in lower East Tennessee, and soon thereafter, every one of Dickerman’s symptoms cleared up.

Clearly, it was a miracle.

Jonas Dickerman had most likely intended to curse Adams. As much is said in his journals: “the man who stole the presidencey [sic] from General Andy Jackson deserves to be spat upon, and to be made to clean out the stables with his hands and mouth....”

But because his tongue was swollen, he was not. Dickerman took this as a miracle from on high. John Quincy Adams then granted Dickerman a huge tract of land on the Hiwassee River in Tennessee, in thanks for his battles against the British, the Indians and all the enemies of the United States of America. Dickerman likewise took the presentation as a divine gift, a display of God’s, Jesus’ and John Quincy Adams’ forgiveness.

There are two more things that need to be mentioned here.

It is most likely that day that neither God nor Jesus, and especially not John Quincy Adams stilled Jonas Dickerman’s tongue. Also, most likely, they did nothing to cure him of his hair loss, sallow complexion, bruises or bleeding gums.

More likely, it was oranges Dickerman had eaten for breakfast that cured him. Dickerman had requested two pounds of bacon that day, but was denied such by the hotel staff, as none was on hand (Dickerman had eaten the whole inn’s supply in the previous two days–remarkable, as it was easily a month’s supply for an inn the served many an important guest in nineteenth century Washington, DC). In lieu of bacon, Dickerman had to settle for a pair of oranges. Oranges he enjoyed so much he bought 3 crates to take with him on his return home, to prepare to travel to his new land in East Tennessee.

Looking back, Dickerman’s diet of meat and little more had left him a little wanting for certain nutrients, all part of what we now call “a balanced diet.” Chief among them that day was Vitamin C.

It now seems that Jonas Dickerman met with the president while suffering from the worst stages of Scurvy. And it was not John Quincy Adam’s divine intervention that saved him. Rather, it was a now constant source of Vitamin C.

And while we can discuss the scientific vs. religious ramifications of having met John Quincy Adams until John Quincy returns with Jesus, there is one more thing: The last thing we need to talk about in the particular manner is the fact that records show that Jonas Dickerman, in fact, never shook that hand of John Quincy Adams.

Jonas Dickerman, as we said, was a man of large appetites. That appetite was not limited to food and drink.

I suppose it depends on your stance on such stories, but it is either fortunate or unfortunate that the ladies of the night of the late 18th and early 19th centuries did not keep as detailed a record as did the medical professionals of the time.

What is known is that Dickerman was renowned for his sexual appetites and his near nightly use of the ladies of the night. Indeed, it was such that kept him from being a prominent member of the puritanical church society of his native upstate New York.

And the conditions of contraception and protection being what they were in pre Civil War America, there are any number of maladies that Dickerman could have (and probably did) pick up. And spread, for that matter.

What is generally agreed upon now, is this:

In 1827, when Jonas Dickerman met John Quincy Adams, the President of the United States, he was suffering from the tertiary stages of syphilis. When Dickerman was supposed to meet with Adams, he was very nearly blind because of his sickness. He told his closest confidant that he could tell “light from dark, but little else.”

“Point me at the President,” Dickerman told that confidant, reportedly at the time when Dickerman was supposed to meet the president. Now whether that aide could understand Dickerman with his swollen, scorbutic tongue is not known. So we don’t know if the aide simply pointed Dickerman at the wrong man, or if John Quincy Adams, upon seeing the ghoulish, thin-haired, bleeding, sallow man decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and sent an aide of his own to shake the hand of Jonas Dickerman.

Either way, it was never told to Jonas Dickerman that he did not meet with John Quincy Adams. He went to his grave (some 16 years later...if you can believe that....) having founded the First Church of John Quincy Adams on the banks of the Hiwassee River in Tennessee, some six miles from where present day Trainersville was founded.

----

It is also not known whether Adams intentionally gave the tract of land that became Dickerman County to two men or not...perhaps he expected Dickerman to be dead of whatever number of curses he was carrying soon enough.

But in truth, John Quincy had indeed gifted the tract of land to two men.

The second man, a James Quentin Edwards was also gifted the land, for his brokering of a logging treaty with the Five Nations in upstate New York.

Dickerman’s party arrived first. They founded a church, and the post office. And they set up their own logging camp on the banks of the Hiwassee.

Edward’s party arrived three months later, surprised to find a port, a church and a working brothel in a town called “Quincy” on the land he was supposed to have owned.

I mentioned that Dickerman County was founded by Religious Outcasts. I apologize if I misrepresented them in this way. They were outcasts, to be sure, but not necessarily because of their religious beliefs. These people were outcasts, but largely because they had been deemed by the society of the time to be less than worthy. Some were petty criminals, expelled from their towns...some were physically deformed, others mentally challenged. And a few were just plain ornery folks who didn’t take with the ideas of the time, including quite a few women who just enjoyed wearing men’s pants. They had all fallen behind Jonas Dickerman for various reasons, but there was one thing that had bound them. They were all Terribly, Wonderfully religious. Devout, devout creatures.

And they had fallen behind Jonas Dickerman after he had taken the Lord, Jesus and John Quincy Adams as his saviour. Also, they fell behind him because he was practically giving the land away in his new county–Jonas Dickerman was a lot of things: Indian Killer, Wonderful Singer, Blind as a Bat...but good with money, he was not....

Anyway. The initial populace of Dickerman County was made up largely of Outcasts who were Religious. Hence: religious outcasts.

Although that stuff where they believe John Quincy Adams was the third leg of the Holy Trinity would have been enough to make them outcasts in that society, had word of their unique beliefs made it much further than the banks of the Hiwassee.

There was a skirmish between the two camps. The Dickerman Camp won out. The fact that their fighting force was made up mostly of the deformed, whom it was believed had little to lose, combined with the Edwards Party’s consternation at having traveled 1100 miles overland when there was a working boat dock on the river, made the fight a short one.

There was one death.

James Quentin Edwards was hanged. In part because of the tiresome, overland route his party had taken to reach his claim. In part because a blind and (almost certainly) crazed Jonas Dickerman believed Edwards to be a spy for the Indians. But mostly because his name, James Quentin Edwards, was taken as a perversion of the name of one of the holy trinity, and he was deemed blasphemous.

Luckily, attitudes had changed somewhat when Jesus Estrada moved into Dickerman County, in 1970.

-----

Trainersville’s history is a little easier to tell.

Trainersville is called what it is because it was built at what became confluence of several rail lines that wove themselves through the south, hauling coal, timber, hogs and people from some place or another. Trainersville most probably wouldn’t have come into being if it weren’t for the railroads, as the only other tangible assets we seem to have are pine trees and mosquitoes. In fact, legend has it that the Cherokee word for the whole area was “Mosquito Swamp,” and that they laughed at the white people when they moved in, for their ignorance.

The original settlers’ name for the town had been Fulgation, and it was founded some 6 years after Quincy, by some of those original settlers of Quincy. Shortly before the Civil War, work began on the train lines that would run through Trainersville, even through the Civil War. Depots were built. Any business that catered to the train industry, whether it be iron works, timber cutters, or watermen found root in Trainersville. Hospitality businesses came into being, be they inns or restaraunts. Even the burgeoning whorehouse industry eventually moved its headquarters from Quincy to Fulgation.

More and more, though, people were calling the town Trainersville, since most of the population had moved in to support the railroad.

And Fulgation, it was decided, was not an appropriate name for a town dedicated to the railroad. Mostly because it was such an ugly sounding word, but also because of the religious implications it had for the small area: most of the natives believed Fulgation was called that as an attempt to add on to the mythos of heaven...how most Christians strived for heaven as their prize, those who listened to the word of John Quincy Adams strove for a whole other level of heaven: Fulgation.

Plus, in 1848, John Quincy Adams died.

By 1853, he had not yet returned from the grave. Not in a manner so that he announced himself, anyway. So, it was pretty much decided that John Quincy Adams either was not holy, or he was simply enjoying heavenly fulgation by himself, and he was not out to help the settlers of the town against the onslaught of railroadmen.

Trainersville became that officially in the fall of 1853.

There’s not much left to tell about Trainersville, except this:

General William Tecumseh Sherman leveled Trainersville in his March to the Sea, during the Civil War. It was a railroad hub. It held strategic value. And a great many of the deformed that had founded the county still had their ingredients in the genepool.

Sherman is supposed to have said, as he made his headquarters in the Velvet Shrub, what had been up until 1862 the nicest brothel in town: “Even if this wasn’t a filthy rebel haven, I’d wipe this horrid, freakish place off the face of the Earth simply to satisfy my own sense of human self-interest.”

Trainersville, in all logic and honesty, probably shouldn’t have been rebuilt.

Using the reasoning that so many have always used: we did it this way before, folks rebuilt the train lines despite the sand and clay soil, despite the scourge of God mosquitos and despite the fact that the Appalachian wilderness seemed to encroach upon the attempt at civilization as soon as you turned your back on it.

But rebuild they did.

Little else exciting or pertinent to this story has happened in the 150 years since. We were the last county to outlaw prostitution in the state, doing so right around the same time Congress placed a prohibition on alcohol. The legal booze came back, the other did not. There was a brief gun battle over voting fraud just after World War 2.

There is one more thing.

In 1966, Jesse Cochrane, the one and same whose ass-crack hangs out of the AMC Gremlin, made national noteriety when, as a 10-year-old, wandered into one of the many limestone caves, in the area, and emerged 21 days later, after having been given up for dead, from a cave not far from where my Dad lived with his parents, off route 38.

To this day, Jesse has no memory of his time in the cave.
Part 4:

A quick telephone call to Mark yielded the information that an intern at the paper took in all the funereal information and wrote all the obituaries. It was Mark’s experience that it was the type of work best suited to those hungry and inexperienced newspapermen–those who were undaunted by work could easily turn ghoulish, who were all too willing to deal with the (often) irrational bereaved on which details should or shouldn’t be included.

Mark told me that at least once a week a family member of the bereaved would call with some manner of problem. Usually, the problem was nitpicky–it was a nephew named Marion, not a niece. Sometimes, there was a problem with reporting how the deceased had passed–it was tricky, Mark said, especially if AIDS or drugs were involved in the death, writing the obituary so that it seemed like 27-year-olds go pass peacefully three and four times a week. More often than not, the trouble came from an ex-wife, especially if the decedent had multiple ex-wives and/or lovers.

Mark himself, as an intern, had been berated not once, not twice but three times by three different women of a particularly amorous Dr. Ernest Abzug from Millerberg. Two were ex-wives, and the third issue-taker was the x-ray tech whom the doctor had been fricking when he suffered his infarction. I noted Mark’s use of frick, the euphimism he’d been using for “fuck” since we’d been in the second grade and guessed that one or both of his daughters was nearby.

The first two were angry with their relative placement in the Abzug obituary, each finding themselves buried in the second from last paragraph, after the listing of Dr. Abzug’s 27 grandchildren. The x-ray tech, Edda, who hailed from some Eastern European country that probably doesn’t exist anymore, and who was several times more beautiful than her name belied was most upset at not being included in the obituary despite the passion of their multiple-week long, fiery, torrid affair.

And while I considered just how charismatic and/or rich a feller named Ernie Abzug had to be to bed two ex-wives, a current wife, a hot European x-ray tech, and enough kids to produce 27 grandkids, Mark told me that it’s fairly common practice to throw the obituaries off on a college kid for one last reason. Were there to be quite enough of an issue from one family member or faction, it was easy enough to pawn any problem of the obituary off on the kid who just didn’t know what he was doing.

“Does that work?”

“America is surprisingly accepting of incompetence.”

“Is there an intern doing your obituaries now?”

“Yeah. And I’d say Willie’s down at the paper now. It’s his job to sort out the football contest, and he’s probably got his feet up on my desk, right now, watching football and sorting out winners when it suits him. If it’s important enough to you, he’ll at least know if there’s been a death notice.

“Headphones are probably on, though,” he said, “I called down there an hour ago and didn’t get an answer. Donna got back from shopping and said his car’s out front. He may hear you knock, he may not.”

I thanked Mark got off the phone with him, agreeing to dinner with his family in the coming week, and turned to find Teddy had adorned himself in a makeshift warrior’s gear. He was wearing my old catcher’s chest protector and a University of Tennessee football helmet. He wielded a warped 3-wood in his right hand–it had been sitting apart from my golf bag since I’d decided that the club I’d used all of 4 times was to blame the slice I’d suffered from all my life..

“Big weekend plans, Teddy?”

“May I borrow these?”

“You’ll have to turn around lefty if you’re going to drive with that. And I don’t think a chest protector will work as a substitute for golf shoes.”

He stared at me as my only response, spectacles gleaming above the helmet’s facemask.

Cletus joined Teddy. He rubbed against his leg once, seemed disappointed. He then sat and joined Teddy in his game of “stare at Michael in silence.”

“Yes, you can borrow them.”

“I’ll have them back to you in due course.”

“Take your time.”

Teddy stood in the doorway to my kitchen, examining the club.

“Hey,” I said, “I’m going to head up to the paper, see if Willie knows what the deal is with the obituary. Want to go?”

“No,” he said, picking at an ear through a hole in the helmet. “I prefer the press to think of the legend, rather than the reality.”

“Liberty Valance rule, huh?”

“Something like that,” he said. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Why don’t you come to Lyndon’s funeral?”

“I wasn’t invited.”

“Go stealth,” I said.

“Perhaps,” he said, thinking a second more, and then nodding.

Then, he clicked his heels and stood at perfect attention, football helmet and chest protector coming straight. He held the driver like a rifle over his shoulder.

“Michael,” he said sharply, “I bid you good day.”

I too stood at attention.

“Mr. President. Good day.”
Part 3:

I’ll spare you the most of the gory details of buying myself a suit. A visit to Raymond’s Clothing Store for the Amazingly Big and Colossally Tall sounds exciting, but on the whole, a visit to a Big and Tall man’s shop on a Saturday morning makes me feel like I’ve had my application excitedly accepted to a traveling carnival freak show, like I’ve already passed the interview without saying a word.

I left thanking God for small favors: I’d found a black sportcoat on the rack and a pair of slacks that fit well enough without a.) having to wander too far up the expanse of fat guy’s pants, and b.) having to deal with Raymond, who was himself worth his weight in two of me, and who had the daunting inability to observe the boundaries of personal space. Today, Raymond had been busy with a mother and a pair of monstrous boys from the next town over, neither of them below 6'7" on the height scale, and both looking like they’d probably downed half a pig and a couple dozen eggs for breakfast, and had it leave them feeling peckish.

So, I’d made my way in, gotten my suit, paid Raymond’s (remarkably tiny) wife for my clothes, and as I left the establishment, I thought about gathering the villagers, the torches and farm implements to chase the two monstrous boys now trying on blue jeans from the town. I wound my way back into the street, squinting into the sunlight, I turned left out of the door and immediately spooted a barrel-chested figure leaning against the passenger door of my truck.

“Hello, my old friend,” Teddy said to me.

“Teddy.” I hadn’t seen Teddy in months. “Where’ve you been?”

“I decided that my last bit of advice to you had created something of a....”he spun his finger in a circular motion, searching for the word....

“Rift?”

“Precisely....Do I owe you an apology?”

You know, I never blamed Teddy. I hadn’t thought that out loud. There were a lot of things I wanted to lay blame to, but I realized that I’d never consciously or unconsciously blamed Teddy.

“I never blamed you, Teddy.”

“No?”

“I’d have asked her sooner or later. All other things being equal, I suppose knowing is better than not knowing.”

Teddy only nodded.

I motioned for him to move off the passenger door so I could unlock it. As I hung the suit on the hook behind the seat.

“Besides, it’s not like you’re privy to any sort of information on the future unfolding of events, is it?”

“No,” Teddy said. “You’d think so, in my position, but no.”

“I thought so at one time, but I believe you now.”

“How much money did you lose when I told you to bet on the Cubs? You never said.”

“Enough,” I said. “I don’t know what hurt worse, losing a fiancé or having the Cubs lose in the playoffs like that.”

Teddy winced.

“The money never bothered you, did it?”

I put the seat back, and asked if Teddy was riding or walking.

He accepted a ride.

“Eating baloney sandwiches and Ramen noodles so I could afford Christmas presents bothered me,” I said, walking around toward the driver’s side.

“I’ve never eaten Ramen noodles,” Teddy noted.

“You’re a charmed man leading a charmed life.”

“Buying a suit of clothes?” Teddy asked when I got myself situated behind the wheel. He was changing the subject. Teddy was a man’s man, and he wasn’t much on sharing his emotions, but I could tell he hadn’t taken my statement that he wasn’t responsible hadn’t really taken him from that notion. He felt guilty, and he had it written all over him.

I looked at the suit.

“Got a funeral to go to.”

“Really?” he asked, his interest legitimately piqued.

“Yeah,” I said. “Lyndon Waverly’s nephew came by the house this morning and told me that Lyndon had passed on a couple days back.”

“Really?” he said again. He seemed surprised.

“Yep. Now that I think about it, if anybody should have known, you should have.”

Teddy looked away out the passenger window as the storefronts slowly made their way past my truck, quietly annoyed in spite of his previous guilt. “Do you honestly think I don’t have anything better to do than look down on this hillbilly town to see who’s recently deceased?”

“I don’t know how you spend your spare time. Aside from bothering me.”

“How?”

“Mostly by showing up completely unannounced after....”

“How did Lyndon die?”

“Does that have bearing on whether you know when?”

“I tire of the inquisition.”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I was so surprised at being asked to be a pallbearer that I didn’t think to ask how he died.”

Teddy nodded.

“I figure it was old age.”

“How old was he?”

“Don’t know,” I said. “I looked in all this week’s papers for an obituary, but never saw one. He was ancient, though. Had to be. I mean, he was old back when I was a kid.”

Teddy ran a hand across his face, straightened his mustache as he soaked the news in.

“I hadn’t realized you were that close,” he said.

“Neither had I. You could have knocked me over with a feather when his nephew asked me. Said Lyndon had asked for me by name. Specifically.”

Teddy remained silent.

We drove in silence through Trainersville’s three or four blocks of downtown, mostly empty, as the municipal business of the week limits itself politely to the five business days around these parts.

Teddy and I hadn’t seen each other in a while. It was a day for reunions, I reckoned. Still, despite our lack of contact, we were falling into the familiar cadence of an old friendship. And even though we’d only been talking for a couple minutes, I knew that the news of Lyndon’s death seemed to be troubling him a little more than it probably should have.

“You really didn’t know?”

“No,” he said.

“Should you have?”

“In honesty, I feel troubled at not having known. I’m not sure why, though.”

“Teddy, you’re a busy man.”

“Yeah,” he said, not entirely convinced.

It had been a busy couple of hours, and maybe that accounts for it, but that was really the first time I started to get an uneasy feeling about all this.

“How’s Alice?” I asked, hoping to change the subject. He usually fell all over himself to talk about Alice.

“Fight with Edith,” he said, disinterested. In the same breath: “Have you thought about calling the newspaper? Isn’t Mark working down there?”

“Mark doesn’t write the obituaries...”

“But he’d know the person who does, correct? Perhaps a mistake was made, an omission of sorts.”
Part 2:

I own one suit.

There are times I say that as a mark of achievement. I don’t have to dress up for anybody, anyhow. I dress in blue jeans and t-shirts for work. I install computer hardware for retailers. Which means sometimes, I gotta crawl through the musty, dusty innards of grocery stores, department stores and Wal-Marts all around the south. Definitely not a job where you want to where a suit. A three-piece suit will ruin fairly quickly crawling in a two-foot crawlspace in a ceiling to install a wireless router.

It’s not a bad job. Keeps me on the road more often than not. But then, I ain’t here to talk about my job.

There are times it hits me, though, that I’m within smelling distance of 30, and being the civilized man that I am, I should probably pony-up and go buy myself another suit that doesn’t look like it’s nearly 10-years-old and bought for me by my folks when I graduated college as “interviewin’ clothes.”

That Saturday afternoon, a couple hours after John Waverly had visited, a smiling, well-dressed Messenger of Death, I wandered to the bedroom to see if my interviewin’ clothes still fit.

Well, right now I say interviewin’ clothes. But since the late 1990's, they’d also served as wedding, funeral and various coat-and-tie function clothes, as well. It hit me that I’d had nary a wedding, funeral or a coat-and-tie function to attend since late 2004.

I pulled the black suit jacked with matching slacks out of the very back position on the bar in the closet (just behind the glaring orange hunting coveralls that had last seen its action in early 2005, when I’d managed to scare myself senseless while out hunting boar with friends...I’d fallen asleep, and woken up nearly shitting myself, thinking the sound of my own snoring was a boar coming to get me).

I brushed the dust off the shoulders, and considered the suit of clothes, holding it at arm’s length.

My cat, Cletus, jumped up onto the bureau to join me in my study.

“Think they’re gonna fit?” I asked.

He regarded the suit doubtfully.

“We’ll see.”

Seven minutes of swearing later, I was throwing the suit in to a ball, cursing beer, Krispy Kreme donuts and every fast food joint in the Southeast. The suit ended up in a wad in the corner of the room, as I headed to the bathroom to get cleaned up. It now seemed that my lazy Saturday of college football had just gone down the pipes, as I had to go clean up and find a decent suit of funeral clothes to fit around my recently fattened ass.
Cletus watched all this with his typical smug satisfaction. I long ago realized that I was put on this Earth to feed that cat and keep him in clean litter, but I like to think that occasionally I provide him with a decent level of entertainment.

I spend a lot of time figuring that Cletus is probably a lot smarter than I am.

-----

I showered, shaved, ran a comb through my hair.

I was leaning against the vanity to pull a pair of socks on, and I saw a stack of the previous week’s newspapers sitting on the back of the toilet–while you’ll forgive me for once again returning to this area of my life, I tend to do most of my day’s reading right here.

I pulled Friday’s paper off the top of the stack. It was folded back to the comics section–I’d apparently had a long enough constitutional to make it all the way through the sports and local news, and had ended up reading Garfield and Peanuts reprints when I’d finished.

I turned the paper back to the front, and folded back the front page to find the obituaries. I scanned the names. Two names had been called home to be with Jesus, and a third had suddenly passed away at the Baytown Nursing Home at the tender age of 99. I didn’t recognize any of the names, but all were from the surrounding towns–mostly I noted that Lyndon Waverly’s obituary was conspicuous by its absence.

Folding Friday’s paper back up and depositing it in the trash bin, I pulled Thursday’s sheet off the stack. No Waverly notice for Thursday, either.

None for the remaining two papers, Tuesday and Monday. I noted that Wednesday’s paper must be floating somewhere around the homestead.

I pulled a pair of blue jeans on (these fit, without much cursing). Found a shirt and a flannel shirt to go over the top. Wandered around the kitchen, and found Cletus sitting on the counter.

“What are you doing, cat?” I shoved him to the ground. I started digging in the fridge for something to eat before I went out. Cletus jumped back up onto the counter.

“Cats aren’t allowed on the counter,” I told him, and he knew it. I tend to think he stayed up on the counter when I wasn’t there, but he usually had the good humor to stay off while I was there. A concession to make me feel like I was still the King of my castle.

I closed the fridge door, shoved him off once more, only to have him immediately turn, and hop back up.

Now, my cat and I have had a number of running arguments, but Cletus, like most cats, was more the type to hold a grudge and play a neverending game of “Gotyaback” than to overtly seek confrontation like this. Usually he understood that if I knocked him off the counter, or the bed, or the sink or the computer or the fridge...that he probably didn’t want to be there.

I turned once more and saw that his attention was down into the trash.

“Did a mouse get in there?” I asked him.

I picked up the trash can and shook it once, to see if I could garner any movement.

Nothing stirred, and I looked at the cat, who was staring down into the trash as if his next seven meals depended on it.

I shuffled the contents a little with my hand, pretty much sure that as I did so, a mouse the size of a Toyota Camry was going to bolt out and run up my arm. Again, nothing happened.

I was about to set the trash can down, when I noticed the Wednesday, October 25 date on the newspaper I’d used to cut potato peels and carrot shavings onto.

I extracted the paper as well as I could, spilling three-day old potato peels onto the floor in the process–asking why this couldn’t have been one of the weeks I could have traveled up to Bumfuck, Kentucky instead of a week where I did local jobs and was home every night by 5:30, so I could cook for myself.

I shook what I could of the detritus of Wednesday’s meal from the paper, and gingerly opened the front page, and looked at the names there.

I counted five names, but not a one of them was named Lyndon Waverly. I got stuck briefly on the obituary of a Lucy Mashburn, who’d had the interesting fortune to die while slopping the hog.

I looked at Cletus, who was still on the counter.

“Why doesn’t Lyndon have an obituary in any of the papers?” I asked him.

Cletus stared back. I’m probably giving him way more credit than he deserves, but he seemed honestly concerned in his wordless response to me.

“Get off the counter,” I told him. To my surprise, he complied.

I grabbed my car keys from the desk, and went out the front door, and locked it. I went to my truck, and I looked back at the house, and saw Cletus staring out the window at me. He’d never done that before.

“Maybe he’s actually starting to act like a real pet,” I said to myself as I backed out of the driveway.